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@ 🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit
2024-11-28 21:53:244 years ago, on Thanksgiving, Digit's boyfriend at the time died. She told me that. She didn't say how it happened, but others say he committed suicide. I don't remember my Thanksgiving that year.
3 years ago, on Thanksgiving, I met Digit. I had a pet bird that died that day. I had named it Deathspan to avoid ever forgetting its limited lifespan, as if that would make me more prepared to deal with it dying someday, but that only made me feel worse. I had a mental breakdown and got banned from the wallstreetbets subreddit yet again, so I would have to start a new account yet again, but this time, unlike any other time, a wallstreetbets moderator called /u/shutupdigit showed up in my inbox to check if I was OK and invite me to the wallstreetbets Discord channel, hoping it would calm me down. This was the second time in my life a woman randomly approached me and offered her friendship to me without me approaching her first, and I was always desperate to get any women to talk to me at all, and a woman on wallstreetbets is rare to begin with - I was immensely anxious to get to know her, and hopefully keep knowing her. Interacting with her made it possible to enjoy the Thanksgiving dinner I got at the VFW despite my bleak circumstances.
2 years ago, on Thanksgiving, I cried a lot, hoping Digit was alive. She was, but I didn't know. I was so thankful to have met her, and I tried to focus on being thankful, but I needed to talk to her one more time so badly, and I knew if I could ever talk to her again, I would never be in that much pain again.
1 year ago, on Thanksgiving, I was entirely thankful she had come back in the interim. I knew I could never again be in as much pain as the year before, because I got to find out she lived longer than that. I was trying to finish a song about her, hating myself for how long it was taking, because after coming back that year, she had deleted her reddit and Discord accounts and disappeared again, and I was scared she could be planning to kill herself, or she could have done it already, and I was failing to protect her with every bit of delay in my efforts to show her how much I needed her. I hoped maybe someone in wallstreetbets was still in touch with her and I could make a song worth showing her. I was sick that week and couldn't finish the song by Thanksgiving because my head hurt so much it was impossible to tell if any melody or drum pattern or anything I was making was good or bad. I never finished the song, it felt too late after that. I spiraled into an endless process of trying to find new ways to reach out to her that would have better chances of a positive result. I reached out to wallstreetbets people with what progress I had made on the unfinished instrumental for the song, as futile as it felt. Nobody told me about the rumors she had committed suicide, as I had been fearing for so long.
Today, I'm still entirely thankful she came back before, and I know I'll never be in as much pain as 2 years ago again, since I know she lived longer than that. I'm still in that spiral trying to find any way to find out if she's safe without accidentally prompting her to commit suicide in the process because of the disturbance of privacy or something. I should still never recover if she's gone, but at least I'll never be in as much pain as 2 years ago.
I'm so thankful to know she lived past 2 years ago, but I can't stop being desperate to see her alive past today. I can't stop being extremely shitty to others around me. Today I went with my mom to volunteer at the VFW that gave me food the day I met Digit and I left my mom stranded there because she said something insensitive to my constant panic about Digit. It's only by my insane luck I've kept any friends at all.
I'm so sorry in this same timeframe Digit never got to have what she gave me - one last chance to see that most important person alive. I'm so sorry for those of you who are also struggling with anything like this, or worse.
Just in case anyone wants to hear her voice, here's that one song she sent me, intentions.mp3 -
https://audio.nostr.build/808960a3289a3196a8b371c2239d6925357b9a41183925f9882ee2897df313d3.mp3