@ noahrevoy

You’ve heard the word.

You’ve probably used it. Maybe even hurled it at someone in a moment of pain. "Narcissist."

It lands like a curse.

And in today’s culture, it is one.

Not because it’s accurate.

But because it’s easy and packs a gut punch.

We blame narcissism for everything now. Every breakup. Every betrayal. Every moment someone’s ego gets in the way of our feelings.

Girls love to call their boyfriends narcissists when they feel neglected or controlled. Men love to call shallow women narcissists when they note the slightest vanity.

Friends turn on each other. Parents diagnose their children. Exes declare psychological war.

It’s become the pop-psych version of original sin.

But here’s the problem: the way we use this word is no longer grounded in clarity, science, or truth. It’s grounded in resentment.

And resentment is not a tool for diagnosis. It’s a weapon.

The Real Problem: Personality Dysfunction Is Rising

We are living in an era of personality dysfunction.

People hurt each other. They sabotage relationships, abandon their children, manipulate their spouses, destroy trust, and call it “self-care.”

Something is wrong. Deeply wrong.

We’ve studied it. Therapists, researchers, and social commentators have all tried to map it out.

And to be fair, some of those efforts have succeeded.

Certain patterns of personality dysfunction can be measured, tracked, and treated. When a trait can be operationalized, when we can define it clearly, measure it consistently, and test interventions reliably, it becomes useful. It becomes a tool for healing, not a weapon of blame.

For a psychological label to be scientifically sound, it must meet these criteria:

Antisocial Personality Disorder, for example, has clear markers: chronic dishonesty, demonstrated disregard for others, lack of remorse, impulsive behavior. It can be identified across time and context, and most importantly, it responds to specific interventions.

But narcissism?

The term doesn’t hold up.

It fails the tests of clarity, reliability, and usefulness. One therapist might see narcissism in a man who talks proudly about his accomplishments; another sees the same behavior as sharing leadership wisdom. One woman calls her ex a narcissist because he set boundaries; another praises those same traits in her new husband. A father who struggles to express affection gets pathologized as narcissistic by one adult child, and quietly respected for his restraint by another.

The label lacks tether. It’s not anchored to cause, behavior, or result.

It floats. It morphs. It reflects less about the person being described, and more about the insecurity or pain of the one using it.

And in trying to describe everything, it ends up describing nothing.

That’s not psychology. It’s projection.

We turned “narcissist” into a slur, a cudgel we swing at anyone who disagrees with us, makes us uncomfortable, or dares to outshine us. It’s no longer more useful than simply saying "man bad."

What Does "Narcissist" Even Mean?

So what does “narcissist” mean today?

Whatever the accuser wants it to mean.

Sometimes it means someone is confident. Other times, ambitious. Or assertive. Or charismatic. Or proud. Or selfish. Or charming. Or controlling. Or emotionally abusive. And sometimes, it simply means the other person didn’t agree with the accuser.

The list doesn’t end, because there is no clear definition.

When you call someone a narcissist, are you naming a trait? Or expressing your own pain? Or just reacting to how their ego made you feel?

Are you labeling a pattern of manipulation? Or just someone who knows they’re good at what they do? Or someone who’s willing to set a boundary that you don’t like?

We don’t know. And that’s the problem.

Side note: in my experience, true manipulators are the first to accuse others of manipulation. It’s a preemptive strike, a decoy. They believe if they say it first, it shields them from being exposed.

The same thing happens with the word narcissist.

Narcissism Doesn’t Survive Scientific Scrutiny

Before we go further, let’s look at what the DSM-5 actually says about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These are the official diagnostic traits, and how each one collapses under scrutiny when we try to apply it with clarity, truth, and reciprocity.

What we find is simple: for every trait listed, we already have a better, more operational term. One that doesn’t blur the line between pathology and personality. One that can be observed, measured, and acted on.

But don’t just take my word for it, let’s examine the clinical roots and see how shallow they really are.

Here’s what that disambiguation looks like:

Every trait here has a clearer name or description. Every clearer name leads to a clearer solution. Calling it narcissism blurs the edges. Disambiguation sharpens them.

And one special note about empathy, since this trait is one of the most weaponized, it deserves a direct clarification. Most people don’t understand what empathy really is, let alone how it works in the real world:

When most people say "you lack empathy," what they really mean is "you didn’t agree with me or do what I wanted." But empathy is not blind compliance. It’s a limited, precious resource. It takes energy. It takes time. And it must be rationed.

We cannot, and should not, extend unlimited empathy to those outside our Circle of Care. Empathy isn’t just a warm feeling. It’s a costly act. It asks you to notice someone else’s pain, feel it, and then respond, often at the expense of your own time, energy, or resources.

So we ration it. We prioritize it. We give it to those we are responsible for, to those we love, to those who have earned our care. That’s not cruelty. That’s stewardship.

The real danger is when manipulators demand empathy as proof of virtue. “If you cared, you’d give me what I want.” But empathy is not submission. It is not forced agreement. It is not the abandonment of your own boundaries. Saying no with a clear heart is not a failure of empathy, it’s the mark of someone who knows where their responsibility ends, and where someone else’s manipulation begins. That’s wisdom. Because your emotional bandwidth, like every other resource, must be spent where it creates the most good.

Because of its vague boundaries, once someone learns the word “narcissist,” they start seeing it everywhere.

Every ex becomes one. Every bad boss. Every failed friendship. Every powerful man or beautiful woman who made them feel small. And soon, it doesn’t stop at relationships. It creeps into how they explain everything, from the decline of civilization to the state of politics and culture. Narcissism becomes the catch-all villain behind every social ill. Because the word is so vague, it always fits. But at that scale, the diagnosis becomes dangerous. It blocks our ability to understand people’s real motivations, incentives, fears, and goals. It replaces thought with accusation, and understanding with outrage.

They see narcissists everywhere, but they don’t ask if they’re the ones attracting toxic people, or if they’ve simply trained their lens to label every disappointment as abuse and every disagreement as pathology.

It’s projection disguised as insight.

And when you weaponize a label like that, you’re not analyzing behavior. You’re avoiding self-examination.

Three Core Arguments That Undermine the Narcissism Narrative

Now that we’ve seen how narcissism fails the scientific and diagnostic test, let’s break down the broader cultural problem. These are the three key reasons the term “narcissist” no longer serves us, and often does more harm than good.

1. "Narcissist" Doesn’t Mean Anything Specific, It Just Means You Don’t Like Them

The term is used as a junk drawer for traits people don’t want to deal with:

• Confidence

• Pride

• Assertiveness

• Visibility

But these traits, when tempered by maturity and ethics, are not only acceptable, they’re necessary.

• Confidence inspires.

• Pride in your work drives excellence.

• Assertiveness enables leadership.

• Visibility allows others to follow.

So when do these traits become toxic?

They don’t.

Not by themselves.

They only become dangerous when fused with things like entitlement, cruelty, dishonesty, or impulsiveness. And if those are the real problems, we should name them precisely.

Anything else is diagnostic laziness.

2. It’s Become a Weapon, Not a Diagnosis

Once upon a time, “narcissist” was treated as if it referred to a diagnosable condition. There was at least an attempt to define it scientifically and limit its use. But today, it's no longer grounded in discipline or diagnosis. It’s a social cudgel, vague, emotional, and endlessly adaptable to whatever someone wants to condemn.

People use it to:

• Discredit others

• Silence dissent

• Justify moral superiority

And worst of all: you can’t defend yourself against it. The accusation is the evidence.

Try denying it. Say, "No, I don’t think highly of myself," and you disqualify yourself from being taken seriously. You’re signaling weakness, not humility. Especially for men, especially for leaders, denying your own value is social suicide.

Try asserting the truth instead. Say, "I’m not a narcissist, I’m just good at what I do." And that will be taken as proof of the accusation.

This trap doesn’t correct behavior. It crushes identity. It teaches the confident to shrink, the capable to self-doubt, and the virtuous to pretend they’re ordinary. Over time, especially in young men, this leads to collapse, of initiative, of drive, of self-respect.

We shouldn’t be pathologizing strong egos. We should be cultivating them, anchored in virtue, tethered to reality, and grounded in service. Confidence that comes from earned excellence isn’t narcissism. It’s maturity.

It’s time to stop punishing people for knowing who they are.

This isn’t psychology. It’s witch-burning.

3. We Already Have Better Words

If someone is manipulative, call them that. If someone lacks empathy, say so. If they’re arrogant, dishonest, or abusive, we already have words for those things.

Using “narcissist” to describe all of them at once is like checking your heart rate to diagnose a broken leg.

Vague terms destroy discernment.

Precise terms help us solve problems.

What About the People We’re Tearing Down?

Now here’s the part they don’t tell you:

Some of the people who get labeled “narcissist” aren’t dysfunctional at all.

They’re just better.

Better than average. Smarter. Stronger. More creative. More aware of their power. And because of that, they’re seen as dangerous.

So we drag them back down.

Like crabs in a bucket.

We’d rather insult than ascend.

We’d rather pathologize excellence than rise to meet it.

This is cultural suicide.

A Better Way to Protect Yourself

Here’s the better path forward:

1. Stop using “narcissist” as a placeholder for pain, disagreement, or vague discomfort.

2. Name the real traits, good or bad.

3. Learn how manipulation works and how to defend against it.

If you’ve ever been manipulated, gaslit, or emotionally preyed on, there’s a better way to understand it than these pop-psych terms.

That’s why I wrote this:

Become Immune to Manipulation: They Are Manipulating You and How to Resist It

It’s a guide to help you:

• Detect manipulation in real time

• Understand the tools manipulators use

• Build defenses rooted in clarity, strength, and Natural Law

It’s short. It’s blunt. And it will change how you see people.

Read it. Share it. Live by it.

Because if you want to protect yourself from emotional predators, you don’t need therapy-speak.

You need a sword.

Retire the Label. Restore the Truth.

The truth is simple:

We don’t fix culture by inventing new labels. We fix it by restoring clarity, praising the good, correcting the harmful, and refusing to weaponize our language against truth.

So let’s stop using the narcissist slur.

And start seeing people for who they really are.