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@ Proof of Heart
2025-06-08 23:22:20
Have you ever been lying in bed next to your wife and still felt alone?
I have. More times than I’d like to admit.
We’d be side by side, but I’d feel disconnected. Like something was missing. For a long time, I blamed her. I told myself she wasn’t playful enough, or sexy enough.
But the truth is, it wasn’t really about her.
I was the one who had checked out. I had disconnected from myself, ignored what I was really feeling, and built up a pattern of looking outside for something to fix the way I felt inside.
Instead of facing that, I numbed out. With endless Twitter scrolling. With bitcoin podcasts. With overthinking. With porn. It was easier than sitting with the discomfort.
But something started to shift when I stopped blaming her and started getting honest with myself. That feeling of aloneness had been there long before we met. And unless I dealt with it, it didn’t matter who I was with...it would keep showing up.
Lately I’ve been learning to stay with the feeling instead of escaping it. I’ve been practicing presence. Letting myself feel the frustration and powerlessness without rushing to change it or bury it.
It’s not some dramatic breakthrough. It’s just me doing the work. One moment at a time. And what I’m noticing is that when I do, I start to open up again...to myself and to her.
That’s what this work is about for me. Not fixing the relationship. Just becoming the kind of man who doesn’t run from his own heart.